V is for Vicious Cycles

I am participating in the 2016 A-to-Z Blog Challenge. My theme is the music of my life.

The wait.
6 years.
6 rounds of IVF.
5 pregnancies.
5 miscarriages.
0 births.

"Wait"Sarah McLachlan

Under a blackened sky
far beyond the glaring streetlights
sleeping on empty dreams
the vultures lie in wait
You lay down beside me then
you were with me every waking hour
so close I could feel your breath
When all we wanted was the dream
to have and to hold that precious little thing
like every generation yields
the new born hope unjaded by their years
Pressed up against the glass
I found myself wanting sympathy
but to be consumed again
oh I know would be the death of me
and there is a love that's inherently given
a kind of blindness offered to appease
and in that light of forbidden joy
oh I know I won't receive it
When all we wanted was the dream
to have and to hold that precious little thing
like every generation yields
the newborn hope unjaded by their years
You know if I leave you now
it doesn't mean that I love you any less
it's just the state I'm in
I can't be good to anyone else like this
When all we wanted was the dream
to have and to hold that precious little thing
like every generation yields
the new born hope unjaded by their years...

A to Z Blog Challenge: L is for Living with Infertility

 

“Do you have children?”

I get this question all the time. Often I’m tempted to answer, “Not on earth,” but I know this would just make people feel uncomfortable, so I always answer with “No,” or “we have furbabies.” The truth is, although it has become easier over the years, it’s never completely pain-free to hear this question.

No one asks with the intention of hurting me or anyone else who is child-free, and there is an expectation that most married people have children. The fact that we don’t have children is not by choice; we wanted children, but God had other plans. "This isn't forever. It's just for a season," a friend once said to me who was struggling with infertility herself. She went on to have children; we didn't.

I used to cringe at the sight of a pregnant woman or a mother and baby. Even going to church was hard. On the way into the sanctuary I’d have to see all of the mothers and their children lined up like ducklings--three, four, five deep. Now, those things don’t bother me as much.

My husband and I are in a good place these days. We’re relatively happy most of the time that we don’t have children. I watch the news and balk at the horrors happening in the world, knowing that raising kids in the midst of it all would be so difficult. I'm not sure we're equipped for that. I see my friends enduring unimaginable heartache from the pain of a wayward or prodigal child, and I breathe a little “thank you” that we’re not dealing with that kind of agony.

Still, there are always the questions. What if I'd married sooner? What if we'd tried for kids sooner? What if I didn't eat this? What if I didn't drink that? What if...Ultimately, I feel that God knows always what He’s doing, and there are very good reasons why the answer to our fervently prayed prayers was no.

I’m around kids (high-school aged) all day (and most of the time they drive me crazy), but I also care about them. That, and the daily care of our dogs fulfills a maternal instinct in me on some level.  That will have to do until I see my heavenly children face to face.

April is Infertility Awareness month. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. --Proverbs 3:5

A to Z Challenge: H is for Heaven is for Real

A few years ago this book was a huge international sensation.

It came out during a time when my husband and I both really needed to read something like it. His sister had just died, and we had just lost our fifth pregnancy.

This true account of four-year-old Colton Burpo's trip to heaven during an operation in which he meets Jesus and experiences the beauty of heaven touched the hearts of millions of readers. For those who were believers anyway, the book reaffirmed and supplemented their images of life after death; for some skeptics, the story was convincing enough to induce reevaluation of their previous beliefs. For some people, the book was just rubbish.

The book touched me on a personal level having just lost yet another baby to miscarriage. One of the chapters is dedicated to Todd Burpo's discovery that while in heaven, his son met his sister. In fact, Colton's mother had lost a baby to miscarriage, although they'd never known the sex of the child. In his account, Colton affirms that the girl approached him and introduced herself as his sister, explaining that she'd been lost while in his mother's tummy.

I always believed that I would meet my miscarried children again in heaven, but this boy's beautiful story of this reunion solidified that image in my mind. It made it more real for me that one day I will have the opportunity to meet these children and spend the rest of eternity with them.

April is National Infertility Awareness month, although every month of the year is tough for those struggling with this condition. For me, I take some comfort in the knowledge that this world is temporary, and heaven is not only for real but forever.

 I will go to him, but he will not return to me. ~Samuel 12:23 (King David's words upon the death of his infant son) 

For those struggling with infertility, I also recommend Elizabeth Perry Maddrey's Trilogy (Faith Departed, Hope Deferred, and Love Defined).

Have you read Heaven is for Real, and if so what did you think?  

Favorite Things Friday: The Best Book I Read this Month, Love Defined

It's that time again! Time to name the best book I read this month for participation in February's  Cephalopod Coffeehouse!

This month, I have the pleasure of featuring a book that deals with a topic near and dear to my heart--that of the painful ordeal of infertility. During the summer, I named the first book in Elizabeth Maddrey's Remnants series, Faith Departed, as the best book of the month.

This month I'm naming the last novel in the series as the best book I've read in February.

Love Defined, the final piece of the Remnants trilogy by Elizabeth Maddrey, follows the harrowing ordeal of twin sisters' struggle with infertility and their quest to become parents. In the first book of the series, Faith Departed, June, July, and their husbands decide that now is the right time to start a family and assume that, like all the other couples around them, this plan will fall right into place according to their timing. When this doesn't happen for either of them, the sisters' faiths and marriages are shaken and tested. Their frustration and agony continues in the second book of the trilogy, Hope Deferred. In the third and final installment of the series, June and July's relationship as sisters is tried as they forge different paths, both struggling to decide what is best for their families. Do they accept and embrace a life with no children? What about adoption? What if adoption doesn't work out or they don't feel the desire to adopt? Do they seek out other possibilities? How do they trust God in the midst of so much pain, confusion, and heartache?

This is my favorite novel of the trilogy. Love Defined reveals, with such sensitivity and understanding, the heart-wrenching choices that must be made when, in the words of that great Scottish poet Robbie Burns, "the best laid plans of mice and men go awry." Not only are wives affected by the pain of infertility; husbands experience it acutely as well, but their feelings are too often minimized. Maddrey shows both sides of the coin, as June and July's husbands, Toby and Gareth, suffer differently but no less than the women.  Enduring infertility is not for the faint of heart for women or for men.

Without giving anything away, the ending is beautiful--not because it's perfect, but because honesty and reality prevail. In the real world, even happy endings aren't spotless, and it's nice to see a Christian writer addressing this issue without sugar-coating or over-simplifying the complex issues and emotions involved. Infertility affects an entire community, not just the individual couple.

I highly recommend this book (and the entire trilogy) for anyone who has ever struggled or is currently struggling with infertility. This is also a wonderful read for anyone with a friend or family member currently enduring this painful process, as it might shed light on a situation that is tough to comprehend if you haven't gone through it.

Gifts of Raindrops and Tears

A few years ago, my husband and I were desperately trying to have a baby. I was thirty-four when we married, and by the time we got serious about trying, I was thirty-six. After five miscarriages and six rounds of IVF, we finally admitted defeat in 2012 and threw away all the horrible fertility pills, hypodermic needles, and pamphlets on fertility foods (all a constant part of our life since 2009).

We briefly looked into adoption but decided against it after weighing the costs, stress and anxiety, and the fact that we were basically too old to pursue traditional adoption routes (I was 40 by that time; my husband was 47).

Despair settled in. It was over and we both knew it. For me, it sparked an intense period of anger with God and everyone around me. I could not be in the presence of a pregnant woman (it made me physically ill), and even someone discussing adoption raised my hackles.  I felt like an inferior specimen of humanity, and more importantly—I felt sure that God was withholding from me the one thing that I’d actually been designed to do (bear children). Yes, I believed that lie. I was sure it was some kind of punishment.

My long suffering husband had already come to terms with the losses and accepted that God had given us a final and resounding NO. He really wanted to be there for me emotionally, but he also didn’t want our lives to revolve around the label of infertile couple. He finally suggested that we do something that we could never do if we had kids: travel abroad. So we planned a trip to the United Kingdom, and that summer we traveled around England, Scotland, and Wales. It was the best decision we ever made.

When we returned, I was miraculously healed. I know. It sounds crazy, but it’s completely true. When we returned from the U.K., I was like, “You know what? I really don’t think I want kids anymore.” Part of me felt that this would be a passing emotion, but just the other day we were talking to family members, and I realized that I still felt the same. Nope. No longings there. It was a praise-worthy moment. God simply plucked those feelings from my heart and replaced it with his assurance--"My grace is sufficient."

Later, my husband and I talked about the fact that God really did know what he was doing when he withheld this gift from us. (Imagine that? God knowing what he was doing!) For four and a half years, the desire to have children had become an idol, taking over our lives. We'd been slaves to the doctors and fertility experts and everything they told us to eat, drink, and inject. Our marriage was swaddled in pain and loss, and there was very little relief as we careened through one failed IVF cycle and pregnancy after another. It eclipsed absolutely everything for a few years, including my relationship with God, as I remained in a perpetual state of anger.

The true, supernatural gift arrived with the release from obsession and idolatry of children. Next to  the gift of my husband, I consider this peace the best gift I’ve received in my life so far. I don’t know why we had to endure those tides of unrest, but I feel I’m a more secure person with a better relationship with God as a result. Realizing that the Lord is not an ATM machine or a cosmic Santa has made all the difference in my life and in my marriage.

At the end of the day, I know I will see my miscarried babies again one day on the other side. If I ever looked forward to heaven, how much more so now!

Yes, God answers all our prayers, but he doesn’t always give us what we want; instead, he provides what we need. Most importantly, his most precious gift is in our need for him. He longs for our faces to be turned toward him at all times, no matter if our cheeks are glowing with joy or bathed in tears.

"It is the one and only Spirit who distributes all these gifts. He alone decides which gift each person should have." 1 Cor. 1-11 (NLT)

 Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!